Sometime in the spring of 2011 Mark and I stole away for an overnight getaway in Park City, Utah. It was meant to be a night of no children, and a little romance thrown in. Life had been pretty stressful with Mark's doctorate classes, and full time job that required a lot of travel, this getaway was supposed to help us relax, unwind, and reconnect for a few minutes. Then, we got the phone call from our older son. "Dad," he said, "Zach and I had a pretty deep one on one conversation as we sat at the table eating dinner. I asked him about religion and how he felt about the church. He didn't really respond so I said, you don't believe, do you? His answer back to me was no. What should I do?" Well, we calmed Andrew down and got off the phone, and then sat back in utter disbelief. So much for relaxing!
Later, as we delved further into their conversation with Zachary we learned that not only did he not believe in the church, but he no longer believed in God. This came as a huge slap to the face! What had we been teaching all these years in our home? What did all of those family home evening lessons, and scripture study discussions, and Sundays at church mean if after all of it, he didn't even believe in God? Crushed. Hopeless. Depressed. Zombified. These were just a few of the emotions that assaulted our consciousness. I got down on my knees and begged for help from my Heavenly Father. I pleaded day after day, night after night, wanting to know how I could best help my boy to gain a testimony and remember the witnesses that he had already received. Slowly, as I turned to my Father, I received an answer; stay the course, keep doing what you are doing.
I didn't see the big picture in this answer, and I didn't understand how it would all come together but I did just that, I stayed the course. Truthfully, I increased my efforts! I was homeschooling Zachary and decided to implement early morning devotional. He and I would sit on the couch every morning and read the scriptures, or talks from the General authorities. I would put my head on his shoulder and just love him as we read. I know he didn't like scripture time, and I could tell that he wasn't interested in reading, but he sat there anyway and we had morning mom and son bonding time.
The first miracle we saw happened in June of that same year. We went to St. George to attend the wedding of my cousin's boy Tyson. We are really close with this family, and Zachary in particular has always looked up to Tyson: They definitely have like minds and personalities. Well, as divine intervention would have it, we ended up staying at my cousin's house and helping with all of the preparations. The afternoon before the wedding Tyson mentioned to Mark that he had a strong prompting that he needed to bare his testimony to Zach. Mark didn't explain any of the struggles that Zachary was having, but encouraged Tyson to follow his promptings. That night, as everyone was winding down and getting ready for bed, Tyson pulled Zach in his room for a little bit of cousin time. As Mark and I were sitting in bed talking, Tyson, and Zach, with tears spilling down his cheeks, walked into our room and Tyson told us that Zach wanted to say a prayer with us. We all knelt down around the bed and Zach offered the most simple, humble, and sincere prayer I had ever heard from him. I wish I could remember the details of his prayer, but what I do know is that he had received a powerful witness of a Living God who loved him personally.
This witness that Zach had received helped in his personal conversion process, but he still had many reservations and questions unanswered. Mark and I asked him to continue to be obedient to the things we asked of him. I explained to Zachary that he was a very influential person in our home. I didn't think it would be fair for him to stop going to church, pray with the family, or participate in family scripture study because it would influence his sisters before they were old enough to choose for themselves. I have mentioned in past blog posts that respect and obedience are big hot spots of concentration in our home. One of Zach's great strengths is his ability to be obedient to the requests of our family, and he did just that; obedience to the family rules. So, over the next few years we increased our constant efforts to do what we knew would help bring the spirit back into his life. We enrolled him in seminary, we took him to the temple, we signed him up for EFY, and continued learning and growing in the gospel as a family.
This in and of itself might or might not have been enough, I think it depends on each individual, but for Zach, I think part of the catalyst for change came when we moved from Utah to Florida and started having the missionaries over on a weekly basis. The missionaries brought a very sweet and beautiful spirit into our home. We bonded with them, loved them, treated them like our own, and over time they started inviting Zachary to help them with their work. Another of Zach's incredible traits is his desire to serve others. Being already bonded with the Elders was key in his desire to help them in their missionary efforts. Little did we know that this was making an impact on our son.
I need to pause here and clarify though, that it was not an overnight process, and to this day Zach has not been clear with us on the specifics of what switched in his brain. I do know however, that he had closed himself off to the whisperings of the spirit a long time ago. We never gave up though, and we continued to provide opportunities for the spirit to speak to him when he was ready. We also encouraged him to question. Never once did we berate him for his questions and struggles, in fact we told him often that everyone questions and everyone has their own conversion story. We did, however, emphasize that the important thing to do was to keep doing what is right as you search for your questions. Interestingly enough, there is an excellent article in the March 2015 Ensign titled "When Doubts and Questions Arise", that talks all about questioning and finding answers to those questions. I highly recommend it!!!
Another crucial key component to his personal conversion came out of a bet. Zachary is a highly competitive person and after he went to EFY in 2011 his brother made a challenge to see who could read their scriptures longer. Zach took that challenge to heart and started reading. Funny enough, his brother dropped off after a few weeks, but Zachary kept going. To this day almost four years later, he has never missed a day of reading his scriptures. EFY, and I suspect the good influence of one of his Uncles, was a crucial part of his desire to do something extraordinary.
So, here we were in December of 2014, he had come along way in his own conversion and yet we were still doubting whether he would actually go on a mission. We had done everything in our power to help him and we knew that he still had his struggles. Then one day something switched. It was like a light bulb moment for him, or so it seemed to us. He changed his conversations from if I go on a mission, to I'm going on a mission. He changed from argumentative and sullen about the gospel to charged and excited. He completed his Eagle over Christmas vacation, met with the Stake president, and then the bishop (my husband) and on Christmas program Sunday before Sacrament Meeting began, he presented me with two simple pieces of paper and then walked away to go prepare the sacrament. I briefly glanced at the top piece of paper and it said Patriarchal Blessing. I didn't look at anything else thinking he was just wanting me to hold onto the papers for him. After Sacrament meeting was over he asked me if I had looked at both. I had not and preceded to do so...and the second paper was a document saying he had started the missionary application process. I cried! He had not had a desire for that Patriarchal blessing, or for a mission at all, so it all still seems surreal and I almost have to pinch myself to check and make sure this is how he has really chosen to go forward. Oh, he was so proud of himself that he had surprised me! Boys are so cute that way!!!
Back to the story though, more than anything, Mark and I did not want him going on a mission unless he knew for himself that it was the correct decision to make, in fact it was crucial to us that this be about him and not about what Mom and Dad wanted. Recently he was asked to speak in a special Priesthood meeting about preparing for a mission. From what I hear, he testified that if you are patient, and wait for the Lord's timing, he will give you the answers of which you seek. Just as the Lord did for him.
It could have gone differently, and I recognize that. We could have done everything in our power and he could have chosen another path. But if nothing else, the Lord knows we did all that we could, and I know that the Lord made up the difference for all of our parental shortcomings, and more importantly, he answered the humble prayers of a mother and father pleading for how to help our son.
Of this, I testify, that Christ lives! He knows me personally, and he knows exactly what I need to be the best mom I could be. I am nothing without Him. I have so much gratitude for the gentle prodding I have received that helped me to support my soon to be missionary for Him, our Brother and Savior.
Later, as we delved further into their conversation with Zachary we learned that not only did he not believe in the church, but he no longer believed in God. This came as a huge slap to the face! What had we been teaching all these years in our home? What did all of those family home evening lessons, and scripture study discussions, and Sundays at church mean if after all of it, he didn't even believe in God? Crushed. Hopeless. Depressed. Zombified. These were just a few of the emotions that assaulted our consciousness. I got down on my knees and begged for help from my Heavenly Father. I pleaded day after day, night after night, wanting to know how I could best help my boy to gain a testimony and remember the witnesses that he had already received. Slowly, as I turned to my Father, I received an answer; stay the course, keep doing what you are doing.
I didn't see the big picture in this answer, and I didn't understand how it would all come together but I did just that, I stayed the course. Truthfully, I increased my efforts! I was homeschooling Zachary and decided to implement early morning devotional. He and I would sit on the couch every morning and read the scriptures, or talks from the General authorities. I would put my head on his shoulder and just love him as we read. I know he didn't like scripture time, and I could tell that he wasn't interested in reading, but he sat there anyway and we had morning mom and son bonding time.
The first miracle we saw happened in June of that same year. We went to St. George to attend the wedding of my cousin's boy Tyson. We are really close with this family, and Zachary in particular has always looked up to Tyson: They definitely have like minds and personalities. Well, as divine intervention would have it, we ended up staying at my cousin's house and helping with all of the preparations. The afternoon before the wedding Tyson mentioned to Mark that he had a strong prompting that he needed to bare his testimony to Zach. Mark didn't explain any of the struggles that Zachary was having, but encouraged Tyson to follow his promptings. That night, as everyone was winding down and getting ready for bed, Tyson pulled Zach in his room for a little bit of cousin time. As Mark and I were sitting in bed talking, Tyson, and Zach, with tears spilling down his cheeks, walked into our room and Tyson told us that Zach wanted to say a prayer with us. We all knelt down around the bed and Zach offered the most simple, humble, and sincere prayer I had ever heard from him. I wish I could remember the details of his prayer, but what I do know is that he had received a powerful witness of a Living God who loved him personally.
This witness that Zach had received helped in his personal conversion process, but he still had many reservations and questions unanswered. Mark and I asked him to continue to be obedient to the things we asked of him. I explained to Zachary that he was a very influential person in our home. I didn't think it would be fair for him to stop going to church, pray with the family, or participate in family scripture study because it would influence his sisters before they were old enough to choose for themselves. I have mentioned in past blog posts that respect and obedience are big hot spots of concentration in our home. One of Zach's great strengths is his ability to be obedient to the requests of our family, and he did just that; obedience to the family rules. So, over the next few years we increased our constant efforts to do what we knew would help bring the spirit back into his life. We enrolled him in seminary, we took him to the temple, we signed him up for EFY, and continued learning and growing in the gospel as a family.
This in and of itself might or might not have been enough, I think it depends on each individual, but for Zach, I think part of the catalyst for change came when we moved from Utah to Florida and started having the missionaries over on a weekly basis. The missionaries brought a very sweet and beautiful spirit into our home. We bonded with them, loved them, treated them like our own, and over time they started inviting Zachary to help them with their work. Another of Zach's incredible traits is his desire to serve others. Being already bonded with the Elders was key in his desire to help them in their missionary efforts. Little did we know that this was making an impact on our son.
I need to pause here and clarify though, that it was not an overnight process, and to this day Zach has not been clear with us on the specifics of what switched in his brain. I do know however, that he had closed himself off to the whisperings of the spirit a long time ago. We never gave up though, and we continued to provide opportunities for the spirit to speak to him when he was ready. We also encouraged him to question. Never once did we berate him for his questions and struggles, in fact we told him often that everyone questions and everyone has their own conversion story. We did, however, emphasize that the important thing to do was to keep doing what is right as you search for your questions. Interestingly enough, there is an excellent article in the March 2015 Ensign titled "When Doubts and Questions Arise", that talks all about questioning and finding answers to those questions. I highly recommend it!!!
Another crucial key component to his personal conversion came out of a bet. Zachary is a highly competitive person and after he went to EFY in 2011 his brother made a challenge to see who could read their scriptures longer. Zach took that challenge to heart and started reading. Funny enough, his brother dropped off after a few weeks, but Zachary kept going. To this day almost four years later, he has never missed a day of reading his scriptures. EFY, and I suspect the good influence of one of his Uncles, was a crucial part of his desire to do something extraordinary.
So, here we were in December of 2014, he had come along way in his own conversion and yet we were still doubting whether he would actually go on a mission. We had done everything in our power to help him and we knew that he still had his struggles. Then one day something switched. It was like a light bulb moment for him, or so it seemed to us. He changed his conversations from if I go on a mission, to I'm going on a mission. He changed from argumentative and sullen about the gospel to charged and excited. He completed his Eagle over Christmas vacation, met with the Stake president, and then the bishop (my husband) and on Christmas program Sunday before Sacrament Meeting began, he presented me with two simple pieces of paper and then walked away to go prepare the sacrament. I briefly glanced at the top piece of paper and it said Patriarchal Blessing. I didn't look at anything else thinking he was just wanting me to hold onto the papers for him. After Sacrament meeting was over he asked me if I had looked at both. I had not and preceded to do so...and the second paper was a document saying he had started the missionary application process. I cried! He had not had a desire for that Patriarchal blessing, or for a mission at all, so it all still seems surreal and I almost have to pinch myself to check and make sure this is how he has really chosen to go forward. Oh, he was so proud of himself that he had surprised me! Boys are so cute that way!!!
Back to the story though, more than anything, Mark and I did not want him going on a mission unless he knew for himself that it was the correct decision to make, in fact it was crucial to us that this be about him and not about what Mom and Dad wanted. Recently he was asked to speak in a special Priesthood meeting about preparing for a mission. From what I hear, he testified that if you are patient, and wait for the Lord's timing, he will give you the answers of which you seek. Just as the Lord did for him.
It could have gone differently, and I recognize that. We could have done everything in our power and he could have chosen another path. But if nothing else, the Lord knows we did all that we could, and I know that the Lord made up the difference for all of our parental shortcomings, and more importantly, he answered the humble prayers of a mother and father pleading for how to help our son.
Of this, I testify, that Christ lives! He knows me personally, and he knows exactly what I need to be the best mom I could be. I am nothing without Him. I have so much gratitude for the gentle prodding I have received that helped me to support my soon to be missionary for Him, our Brother and Savior.
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