Mark and I have been married now for 23 incredible, beautiful, trying, tear-filled, sleepless night, romantic, tender, loving, sacrifice filled years. He is truly my best friend and eternal companion in every sense of the word. People watch us as a couple and know without a doubt that we completely adore each other. I bring this up because appearances are right, but that doesn't mean we haven't had our trials. Last night Mark leaned over and kissed me; a quick and yet tender heart filled "I love you with everything in me" kind of kiss. Our oldest son remarked that he wanted that. (He loves to tease about his lack of affection he has going on at the moment) I commented to him that he was right, 23 year old romance is amazing!
So, what makes our marriage work? How have we survived the myriad of trials of every kind that has been thrust at us over the last almost quarter of a century? This is a topic that I have spent a lot of time pondering as of late. There has been many articles in the media that have talked about how to have a lasting relationship. I have loved all of them and felt inspired to share my own thoughts about marriage based on other's comments but mostly based on my own years of experience.
First, marriage takes work. Anyone who has been married for any amount of time will testify to that. The problem is that the world teaches us that marriage is like romance novels, or television shows, or love portrayed through classic romantic movies. Well guess what, it is nothing like that, it is so much more! And so much less! Enduring love isn't hot passionate sweep me off my feet every morning that I wake up kind of love. Enduring love doesn't require a perfectly shaped body, or a romantic stud of a husband. And certainly, love isn't a physical attribute.
Love and Marriage is patience for your spouse's short comings. Mark is a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and was baptized about 6 weeks after we were married civilly. Because of that fact our wedding took place in my parent's back yard, in the middle of the Orange groves in Southern California. Mark's step dad is a minister of another religion and he performed the marriage ceremony along with my Bishop from the LDS church. One of the most profound things that both Mark and I remember being said that early summer morning was this; Don't fixate on the little things about each other that truly don't matter. I leave the toilet cover up...this used to drive my husband crazy. He used to leave his sock lint on the closet floor, this drove me crazy. Does it matter though? No. Patience means so many different things such as understanding that we each come from a different background. Patience is looking at each situation from the other's perspective and considering what they are going through. Patience is helping each other work though trial and hardship and even sin while showing an increase of love. Patience is showing respect for the other person's needs and wanting their happiness above your own.
This brings me to the point that Love and Marriage is about forgiveness. My personal mantra is that there is almost nothing that can't be fixed in a marriage...if both partners are willing to put in the extra work. We all make mistakes and sometimes they aren't even little ones like leaving the toothpaste on the counter with the lid off. Sometimes they are bigger mistakes that take a commitment to the sanctity of our union that is rooted in our Savior Jesus Christ. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect. The minute either one of us becomes self righteous enough to forget that important truth is the moment our relationship would begin to fail. I ponder often the true and simple fact that Christ not only suffered for me 100%, but He suffered for my husband 100%. I'm so grateful that I can be forgiven for the MANY shortcomings I have, and thus, I need to accept that the same blessings go for my husband as well.
Respect. In our home the "R" word is the big hot spot trigger word. I expect myself, my husband, and my children to each show all individuals respect for their space, their thoughts, their struggles, and their opinions. We are not each going to see eye to eye on everything, that is the beauty of being a family. We love each other regardless of our differences. Nothing makes me more sad than to see people who yell at each other or treat each other with that snotty bratty attitude that so many individuals think is ok. Our motto in our home is, "if you don't want to be treated that way, then don't treat anyone else that way". This has taken a lot of time and patience in our home to develop, and we aren't perfect. However, it is achievable, and it creates such a feeling of love and peace when worked on and developed properly.
Mark and I did not start out this way though. We both have a natural inclination to yell. In our early years of marriage it was our go to for arguments, and parenting. When I was a young mom and my 4th child was an infant, we were invited to take a class on parenting that our church was hosting. I tease often that my neighbors heard me yelling at my children and "referred" me to the bishop for some help. If that was the case...then I am truly grateful. What ever the case was for the prompting to offer us the class, though, it was a God send. This class was based on Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay. This one class changed our views on how we treated each other and our children in a very profound way. Through application of correct parenting principles, and through constant prayer I changed my reaction to difficulties. I started parenting with the goal of raising self sufficient children and I did it with natural consequences and an increase of respect for their individual circumstances. And the crazy thing? It worked! The other crazy thing? It worked with my spouse as well! Well, not the natural consequences part (that's just called being an adult)... ;o) But the treating each other with respect and looking at his side of the situation changed my reaction to his concerns, and it changed his reaction to my concerns.
Love and marriage is about service and sacrifice. This principle has been even more evident in the last few months since my husband was called to be a bishop. He serves and sacrifices for the Lord, and thus the ward. He has little free time and because of this the day to day minutia of life responsibilities lies squarely on my shoulders. I could complain about this (and occasionally I do), I could refuse to serve, I could be bitter because he no longer has time to help me. What purpose does this serve though? My job as his wife is to love and to serve him. I tell my children often that you love the ones you serve, and you serve the ones you love. That is an important concept because service is what truly shows the other person the depth of your feelings for them. I fully believe that service isn't meant to be easy. The sacrifice part of service is why we end up loving the ones we serve; we give of ourselves which causes unselfishness, which causes awareness of the other's needs, which causes a swelling of our hearts, which causes us to love. It's a beautiful and divine gift the Lord has given us. The world around us tells us that to be happy we have to take care of ourselves first. I disagree. Don't get me wrong though, we as women are terrible at taking care of ourselves and I'm seriously at the top of that list. What I mean to say though, is that the world says take care of yourselves at the expense of other people. I say, take care of other people first while not forgetting that you are precious in the sight of our Heavenly Father as well. The magic happens though as we serve unselfishly...the more I give of myself, the more my husband wants to do for me. So, ultimately I am not forgotten but on the contrary, am looked after better than if I relied on myself. Why? Because what is coming back to me is also unselfish love, which fills my bank account of love, and gives me even more ability to do for others. It's a crazy beautiful cycle.
Finally, Love and marriage is about a long term, best friend, "you are my confidante", tender kisses, culminating in a love and friendship so deep and enduring that the struggles melt away kind of love. I say this because I have seen all to clearly in my life many a woman who feels that her best friend and confidante is her "girlfriends". How sad is this. You can not be prepared to have a lasting marriage if, as your children leave the house, you and your spouse no longer have anything to talk about. Sometimes my husband listens to me talk, and I admit that I am a typical woman who has to over rehearse every detail multiple times. But...he still listens to me and cares about what I am going through. Every day I ask him about how work is going for him. I don't understand his work jargon and the technicalities that surround what he does, but what I do care about is how he feels, and what is important to him. The more I listen, the more he confides in me about more than work, it becomes a deeper conversation about life and meaning, and goals and our future. It takes listening to the stuff I don't understand though, in order to get to the part that really means something important. I am not saying that guys don't need "guy time", or that girls shouldn't have their "girlfriends", I just know from personal experience that cultivating a deep and abiding relationship with my husband is the most important thing I can do in order to make my marriage last. And my girlfriends? They are there to listen for the third, fourth, and fifth time, the same thing I have already told my husband first. ;o)
All of these things I have listed are what create passion, and intimacy deeper and more fulfilling than anything portrayed by media. If only the people that are at the forefront of media, trying to tell us what love is, really had a clue about what love and marriage and intimacy really is!!!
So, what makes our marriage work? How have we survived the myriad of trials of every kind that has been thrust at us over the last almost quarter of a century? This is a topic that I have spent a lot of time pondering as of late. There has been many articles in the media that have talked about how to have a lasting relationship. I have loved all of them and felt inspired to share my own thoughts about marriage based on other's comments but mostly based on my own years of experience.
First, marriage takes work. Anyone who has been married for any amount of time will testify to that. The problem is that the world teaches us that marriage is like romance novels, or television shows, or love portrayed through classic romantic movies. Well guess what, it is nothing like that, it is so much more! And so much less! Enduring love isn't hot passionate sweep me off my feet every morning that I wake up kind of love. Enduring love doesn't require a perfectly shaped body, or a romantic stud of a husband. And certainly, love isn't a physical attribute.
Love and Marriage is patience for your spouse's short comings. Mark is a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and was baptized about 6 weeks after we were married civilly. Because of that fact our wedding took place in my parent's back yard, in the middle of the Orange groves in Southern California. Mark's step dad is a minister of another religion and he performed the marriage ceremony along with my Bishop from the LDS church. One of the most profound things that both Mark and I remember being said that early summer morning was this; Don't fixate on the little things about each other that truly don't matter. I leave the toilet cover up...this used to drive my husband crazy. He used to leave his sock lint on the closet floor, this drove me crazy. Does it matter though? No. Patience means so many different things such as understanding that we each come from a different background. Patience is looking at each situation from the other's perspective and considering what they are going through. Patience is helping each other work though trial and hardship and even sin while showing an increase of love. Patience is showing respect for the other person's needs and wanting their happiness above your own.
This brings me to the point that Love and Marriage is about forgiveness. My personal mantra is that there is almost nothing that can't be fixed in a marriage...if both partners are willing to put in the extra work. We all make mistakes and sometimes they aren't even little ones like leaving the toothpaste on the counter with the lid off. Sometimes they are bigger mistakes that take a commitment to the sanctity of our union that is rooted in our Savior Jesus Christ. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect. The minute either one of us becomes self righteous enough to forget that important truth is the moment our relationship would begin to fail. I ponder often the true and simple fact that Christ not only suffered for me 100%, but He suffered for my husband 100%. I'm so grateful that I can be forgiven for the MANY shortcomings I have, and thus, I need to accept that the same blessings go for my husband as well.
Respect. In our home the "R" word is the big hot spot trigger word. I expect myself, my husband, and my children to each show all individuals respect for their space, their thoughts, their struggles, and their opinions. We are not each going to see eye to eye on everything, that is the beauty of being a family. We love each other regardless of our differences. Nothing makes me more sad than to see people who yell at each other or treat each other with that snotty bratty attitude that so many individuals think is ok. Our motto in our home is, "if you don't want to be treated that way, then don't treat anyone else that way". This has taken a lot of time and patience in our home to develop, and we aren't perfect. However, it is achievable, and it creates such a feeling of love and peace when worked on and developed properly.
Mark and I did not start out this way though. We both have a natural inclination to yell. In our early years of marriage it was our go to for arguments, and parenting. When I was a young mom and my 4th child was an infant, we were invited to take a class on parenting that our church was hosting. I tease often that my neighbors heard me yelling at my children and "referred" me to the bishop for some help. If that was the case...then I am truly grateful. What ever the case was for the prompting to offer us the class, though, it was a God send. This class was based on Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay. This one class changed our views on how we treated each other and our children in a very profound way. Through application of correct parenting principles, and through constant prayer I changed my reaction to difficulties. I started parenting with the goal of raising self sufficient children and I did it with natural consequences and an increase of respect for their individual circumstances. And the crazy thing? It worked! The other crazy thing? It worked with my spouse as well! Well, not the natural consequences part (that's just called being an adult)... ;o) But the treating each other with respect and looking at his side of the situation changed my reaction to his concerns, and it changed his reaction to my concerns.
Love and marriage is about service and sacrifice. This principle has been even more evident in the last few months since my husband was called to be a bishop. He serves and sacrifices for the Lord, and thus the ward. He has little free time and because of this the day to day minutia of life responsibilities lies squarely on my shoulders. I could complain about this (and occasionally I do), I could refuse to serve, I could be bitter because he no longer has time to help me. What purpose does this serve though? My job as his wife is to love and to serve him. I tell my children often that you love the ones you serve, and you serve the ones you love. That is an important concept because service is what truly shows the other person the depth of your feelings for them. I fully believe that service isn't meant to be easy. The sacrifice part of service is why we end up loving the ones we serve; we give of ourselves which causes unselfishness, which causes awareness of the other's needs, which causes a swelling of our hearts, which causes us to love. It's a beautiful and divine gift the Lord has given us. The world around us tells us that to be happy we have to take care of ourselves first. I disagree. Don't get me wrong though, we as women are terrible at taking care of ourselves and I'm seriously at the top of that list. What I mean to say though, is that the world says take care of yourselves at the expense of other people. I say, take care of other people first while not forgetting that you are precious in the sight of our Heavenly Father as well. The magic happens though as we serve unselfishly...the more I give of myself, the more my husband wants to do for me. So, ultimately I am not forgotten but on the contrary, am looked after better than if I relied on myself. Why? Because what is coming back to me is also unselfish love, which fills my bank account of love, and gives me even more ability to do for others. It's a crazy beautiful cycle.
Finally, Love and marriage is about a long term, best friend, "you are my confidante", tender kisses, culminating in a love and friendship so deep and enduring that the struggles melt away kind of love. I say this because I have seen all to clearly in my life many a woman who feels that her best friend and confidante is her "girlfriends". How sad is this. You can not be prepared to have a lasting marriage if, as your children leave the house, you and your spouse no longer have anything to talk about. Sometimes my husband listens to me talk, and I admit that I am a typical woman who has to over rehearse every detail multiple times. But...he still listens to me and cares about what I am going through. Every day I ask him about how work is going for him. I don't understand his work jargon and the technicalities that surround what he does, but what I do care about is how he feels, and what is important to him. The more I listen, the more he confides in me about more than work, it becomes a deeper conversation about life and meaning, and goals and our future. It takes listening to the stuff I don't understand though, in order to get to the part that really means something important. I am not saying that guys don't need "guy time", or that girls shouldn't have their "girlfriends", I just know from personal experience that cultivating a deep and abiding relationship with my husband is the most important thing I can do in order to make my marriage last. And my girlfriends? They are there to listen for the third, fourth, and fifth time, the same thing I have already told my husband first. ;o)
All of these things I have listed are what create passion, and intimacy deeper and more fulfilling than anything portrayed by media. If only the people that are at the forefront of media, trying to tell us what love is, really had a clue about what love and marriage and intimacy really is!!!
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