I have been pondering this topic for over a week and still don't think I can express fully the depth of my thoughts. I write of which I intimately know and battle every day, that of depression and anxiety. These life debilitating illnesses sometimes rule my life, and sometimes I rule them. I go through times in my life where I feel happy and content, and other times where the weight of my flaws brings me so low.
Yesterday was the final straw of an emotional drain that I have felt as of late. Any of the events in and of themselves shouldn't have been enough to put me into a tailspin and yet today it was more than I could handle. Let me preface my day's events by saying that there are things I won't write about due to the privacy that my husband and children deserve, so most of what I write about concerns only me. With that being said, we have been battling some big issues in our family and that has already made me feel quite frankly like I am failing. I know this is Satan's plan to make me feel this way and logically I can see it and call it. Mental health issues are interesting though, your brain tells you one thing and your heart tells you another. My heart, or more importantly, the spirit tells me that Satan's plan is to drag me down and he knows exactly how to do it. Then my head steps in and says "oh yeah, but look at how well you are failing." You aren't attentive enough with your children, they are struggling because you can't pull it together, you aren't strong enough for your husband, everyone things you are a supermom/wife and yet look at how you can't keep it together with your messy house, bills that aren't paid, bathrooms that need to be cleaned, projects that remain unfinished...you don't get enough out of scripture study because you are drowsy all the time, you only get a real dinner on the table a couple of times a week, you are fat, you aren't attractive, you don't eat right, you eat too much, you don't exercise enough, you make excuses, you haven't made enough effort to get to know people at church...see? You are selfish, prideful, lazy, and not good enough. If you don't have depression you might be able to relate on small level, but if you deal with mental health challenges you know that these thoughts can consume your every waking moment.
This is the mental health battle. This is what I have to fight against during my down times. So, today I got up and decided I was going to choose happiness. I wasn't going to listen to Satan's put downs today. I went to the gym. Felt pretty good. Came home and got the hams for the Christmas party in the oven, feeling pretty good again. Went to the grocery store and picked up ingredients I needed to finish the ham and the pie I was planning on making. Running ahead of schedule and thinking that I had the upper hand on today. Started the glaze for the ham and let it simmer for a long time. In the mean time I got involved in a family discussion that has been taking up a lot of my emotional time. Got distracted and the glaze spilled over and started burning on the stove. Started to feel down. Didn't realize the glaze was burnt on the inside and spread it all over two hams, stuck it in the oven, and then tasted the glaze and realized it was burnt as well. The wall of self doubt surfaced again. Took the hams out of the oven and started crying. How in the world was I going to fix this mess? And there wasn't enough time to cook two more hams for the 100+ people coming to the party. Had an exchange of not so nice feelings with my husband and one of my sons and then cried some more. Mark stepped in trimmed the glaze off both hams and rescued the meat for me. My self doubt talk increased. "See, I'm such a failure, I can't even cook the stupid ham, why in the world did I volunteer for this on top of everything else on my plate?"
In the mean time, while all of this was going on, I had put a load of whites in the wash that included my bra. The plan was to get it washed and then put it back on before going to the party that night. As we were driving up to the church it hit me like a ton of bricks...I had forgotten to put on my bra. This was it. I couldn't handle anymore. I gave in to the negative self talk that I had been battling all day and cried. Silently at first, and then after I dropped off my husband the flood gates released. I drove home to put on my bra and cried. I cried all the way home, and all the way back to the church. Due to traffic I had 40 min. straight of despair. Then, when I got back to the church (40 min. late to the party) I pulled myself back together, pasted on a smile, and went inside to play the role of Bishop's wife.
So, why do I tell you all of this? I know it is really personal and more than some of you may actually want to know. It's deep, and quite frankly, a little scary. I share it because although this was a particularly bad day, I do struggle with something that is somewhat taboo to talk about. I have had so many friends come to me and confide in me that they feel alone and feel like there is no one for them to be able to turn to in their hour of need. The reality? Many more women and men deal with mental health struggles than we realize. It doesn't make me less of a good person for struggling; it just is a different weakness than someone else may have. Because of how many people I know that struggle, I want to talk about how I battle all of these feelings. What is my strategy for getting through my every day, and how do I get through the worst of times?
1) Prayer- I must pray multiple times a day for guidance and direction from my Father in Heaven. This prayer is heartfelt, honest, and tender. I talk to my Father in Heaven like he is standing next to me. I pour out my soul to Him and seek his will in all that I do. I fully rely on Him to get me through each and every day. Sometimes, I plead for a miracle. Sometimes I ask to have my struggles to be eased. He listens and answers my prayers in very personal and beautiful ways.
2) Scripture Study- I compare reading the scriptures to giving myself a force field to stand behind. I read for a half hour everyday. Sometimes I get so much from the scriptures and I walk away feeling stronger and better able to thwart the enemy's tactics. Other times, I read and am comforted that even though I didn't feel like I got anything out of it, the Lord is still blessing me for my efforts and my obedience. I fully expect that as I am obedient to all of The Father's commandments that he will give me the capacity to handle that which I know full well I could never handle on my own.
3) Rely on Friends- My natural inclination, and quite frankly the inclination of any with mental health illnesses is to become reclusive. I have spent many an hour on the couch watching TV because I don't want to paste on the "I'm great and life is happy" smile. Interacting with other people is exhausting for someone who battles mental health challenges. I can testify though, that the Lord has placed people in my life for a reason. People who understand, people who listen well and love me no matter what.
When I was driving home that night, I could have looked inward. I could have wallowed in self pity. Okay, well I actually sort of did. However, I called a friend. This friend has seen me through some very low times. She actually struggles with mental health issues herself. She is so good at listening to me as I pour out my soul to her. She gives me advice when she thinks I need it, and she knows when to hold back advice and let me just have a moment to feel what I need to feel. Crying is very therapeutic for me and I don't think I do it enough. Relying on her was a step in the right direction for healing my wounds.
I also rely on the spiritual strength of my husband. This is such a non-pc statement to make but is at the core or my beliefs. We know that we are companions. Genesis says that the woman is a "help meet" for man which, according to President Howard W. Hunter or the Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, means equal. Mark and I are equal as husband and wife. I know that I can trust him in all things. He is my best friend and also loves the Lord and answers to Him as I do. So, when I am feeling weak, I know I can turn to him and trust that the advice he gives, or the things that the spirit is prompting him to say or do will always be for my best interest. Isn't that just the way it is supposed to be? Sometimes he is strong for me, sometimes I am strong for him but together and with the help of our Heavenly Father, we make it.
4) Keep busy!- The scriptures tell us that idleness is of the devil. I talked about watching TV, and trust me this is my biggest weakness for escaping reality. I recognize though, that escaping into a book or into a television program, or into a game...any of those are stopping me from connecting and being a part of life. So, to combat this issue, I volunteer and serve. Christ tells us, "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37–39). Following my savior's example to love others is such a blessing to me. I find that the more I concentrate on finding ways to help those around me, the less I focus on my own short comings.
Service has come in so many forms for me. I have babysat, cooked, cleaned, and listened. Normally service for me is not in the form of community service such as helping at school or volunteering at the library, instead service is best for me when it is personal. The spirit strongly directs me to those in need of a personal touch. Truly, my most endearing friendships have come about because of a prompting to serve. Isn't it so amazing that the Lord sees fit to bless me as I have blessed other's lives.
5) Exercise- Oh how I would love to say that this isn't key to my mental happiness! I am not in any way shape or form a natural athlete. When I was little my parents signed up my sister and I for soccer. What ended up happening was two little girls, holding hands, running the opposite way of the ball, scared that we would get hit or hurt in some way. :D
I never played team sports, and I never ran due to asthma. So, I pretty much thought exercise was of the devil. Okay, not that bad...but close. So, as an adult I was advised that a great way to battle mental health struggles was to exercise. Of course battling weight issues was another reason to finally start exercising and so I decided to give it a try. I don't love exercising. It is torture for me. I am learning though (again, insert "the hard way") that it is crucial to my mental stability. It doesn't take away the feelings of failure, but it does give me a sense that I can do hard things and lifts me to a happier place. I have noticed that it takes time for the endorphins to kick in. As with most things in life, exercise isn't an instant gratification thing for me, it is a persevere even when I want to curl in a ball and hide kind of thing.
These 5 things I have listed are hard. Battling mental health means that my brain is telling me I'm not capable of being successful, doing scripture study and prayers won't help, and exercise and service are way out of my comfort zone. Maybe I have grown up enough to finally understand these truths, or maybe I should have have figured this out a long time ago, regardless of that, I am at a point in my life where I finally realize that I have a choice. I don't have to give in to the voices. I can battle them. There are many with struggles much more severe than mine, and in many cases medication is necessary. Truthfully? I think there will be a time in my life where medication will be necessary. I am grateful for modern day advances that give us medical help and I have gratefully accepted medication for help when I was pregnant with my youngest. Medication has very severe side effects for me though; it causes me to be extremely drowsy. Honestly, drowsiness isn't conducive to being a mommy taxi, or a mommy tutor, or a mommy chef. So, for now I can fight the fight without medication but medication isn't a sign of weakness. In my book, admitting we need help and getting the help we need is a sign of strength.
Let me repeat that...
Strong people admit when they need help!
I am willing to be open about my struggles because it gives me strength when I help others, and it gives others strength when they help me. Just a disclaimer though, I'm not posting this as a fishing expedition for compliments. These thoughts of mine just scratch the surface of a very long life of struggles, and I'm not expecting anyone to solve these problems of mine. I just hope that someone will read my thoughts and gain comfort in knowing you are not alone. The ultimate comforter will help you and inspire you to know what form that comfort will come for you. The biggest advice I can give is to speak up. Be vocal. Satan's biggest tool he uses to keep us down is seclusion and secrets. Find people to talk to and trust in to help you through.
Yesterday was the final straw of an emotional drain that I have felt as of late. Any of the events in and of themselves shouldn't have been enough to put me into a tailspin and yet today it was more than I could handle. Let me preface my day's events by saying that there are things I won't write about due to the privacy that my husband and children deserve, so most of what I write about concerns only me. With that being said, we have been battling some big issues in our family and that has already made me feel quite frankly like I am failing. I know this is Satan's plan to make me feel this way and logically I can see it and call it. Mental health issues are interesting though, your brain tells you one thing and your heart tells you another. My heart, or more importantly, the spirit tells me that Satan's plan is to drag me down and he knows exactly how to do it. Then my head steps in and says "oh yeah, but look at how well you are failing." You aren't attentive enough with your children, they are struggling because you can't pull it together, you aren't strong enough for your husband, everyone things you are a supermom/wife and yet look at how you can't keep it together with your messy house, bills that aren't paid, bathrooms that need to be cleaned, projects that remain unfinished...you don't get enough out of scripture study because you are drowsy all the time, you only get a real dinner on the table a couple of times a week, you are fat, you aren't attractive, you don't eat right, you eat too much, you don't exercise enough, you make excuses, you haven't made enough effort to get to know people at church...see? You are selfish, prideful, lazy, and not good enough. If you don't have depression you might be able to relate on small level, but if you deal with mental health challenges you know that these thoughts can consume your every waking moment.
This is the mental health battle. This is what I have to fight against during my down times. So, today I got up and decided I was going to choose happiness. I wasn't going to listen to Satan's put downs today. I went to the gym. Felt pretty good. Came home and got the hams for the Christmas party in the oven, feeling pretty good again. Went to the grocery store and picked up ingredients I needed to finish the ham and the pie I was planning on making. Running ahead of schedule and thinking that I had the upper hand on today. Started the glaze for the ham and let it simmer for a long time. In the mean time I got involved in a family discussion that has been taking up a lot of my emotional time. Got distracted and the glaze spilled over and started burning on the stove. Started to feel down. Didn't realize the glaze was burnt on the inside and spread it all over two hams, stuck it in the oven, and then tasted the glaze and realized it was burnt as well. The wall of self doubt surfaced again. Took the hams out of the oven and started crying. How in the world was I going to fix this mess? And there wasn't enough time to cook two more hams for the 100+ people coming to the party. Had an exchange of not so nice feelings with my husband and one of my sons and then cried some more. Mark stepped in trimmed the glaze off both hams and rescued the meat for me. My self doubt talk increased. "See, I'm such a failure, I can't even cook the stupid ham, why in the world did I volunteer for this on top of everything else on my plate?"
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| This is the burnt glaze. I am finishing writing my blog post Monday and it is still sitting in the pan and is so hard and stuck in the pan that I can beat it with a spoon and not make a dent. ;o) |
In the mean time, while all of this was going on, I had put a load of whites in the wash that included my bra. The plan was to get it washed and then put it back on before going to the party that night. As we were driving up to the church it hit me like a ton of bricks...I had forgotten to put on my bra. This was it. I couldn't handle anymore. I gave in to the negative self talk that I had been battling all day and cried. Silently at first, and then after I dropped off my husband the flood gates released. I drove home to put on my bra and cried. I cried all the way home, and all the way back to the church. Due to traffic I had 40 min. straight of despair. Then, when I got back to the church (40 min. late to the party) I pulled myself back together, pasted on a smile, and went inside to play the role of Bishop's wife.
So, why do I tell you all of this? I know it is really personal and more than some of you may actually want to know. It's deep, and quite frankly, a little scary. I share it because although this was a particularly bad day, I do struggle with something that is somewhat taboo to talk about. I have had so many friends come to me and confide in me that they feel alone and feel like there is no one for them to be able to turn to in their hour of need. The reality? Many more women and men deal with mental health struggles than we realize. It doesn't make me less of a good person for struggling; it just is a different weakness than someone else may have. Because of how many people I know that struggle, I want to talk about how I battle all of these feelings. What is my strategy for getting through my every day, and how do I get through the worst of times?
1) Prayer- I must pray multiple times a day for guidance and direction from my Father in Heaven. This prayer is heartfelt, honest, and tender. I talk to my Father in Heaven like he is standing next to me. I pour out my soul to Him and seek his will in all that I do. I fully rely on Him to get me through each and every day. Sometimes, I plead for a miracle. Sometimes I ask to have my struggles to be eased. He listens and answers my prayers in very personal and beautiful ways.
2) Scripture Study- I compare reading the scriptures to giving myself a force field to stand behind. I read for a half hour everyday. Sometimes I get so much from the scriptures and I walk away feeling stronger and better able to thwart the enemy's tactics. Other times, I read and am comforted that even though I didn't feel like I got anything out of it, the Lord is still blessing me for my efforts and my obedience. I fully expect that as I am obedient to all of The Father's commandments that he will give me the capacity to handle that which I know full well I could never handle on my own.
3) Rely on Friends- My natural inclination, and quite frankly the inclination of any with mental health illnesses is to become reclusive. I have spent many an hour on the couch watching TV because I don't want to paste on the "I'm great and life is happy" smile. Interacting with other people is exhausting for someone who battles mental health challenges. I can testify though, that the Lord has placed people in my life for a reason. People who understand, people who listen well and love me no matter what.
When I was driving home that night, I could have looked inward. I could have wallowed in self pity. Okay, well I actually sort of did. However, I called a friend. This friend has seen me through some very low times. She actually struggles with mental health issues herself. She is so good at listening to me as I pour out my soul to her. She gives me advice when she thinks I need it, and she knows when to hold back advice and let me just have a moment to feel what I need to feel. Crying is very therapeutic for me and I don't think I do it enough. Relying on her was a step in the right direction for healing my wounds.
I also rely on the spiritual strength of my husband. This is such a non-pc statement to make but is at the core or my beliefs. We know that we are companions. Genesis says that the woman is a "help meet" for man which, according to President Howard W. Hunter or the Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, means equal. Mark and I are equal as husband and wife. I know that I can trust him in all things. He is my best friend and also loves the Lord and answers to Him as I do. So, when I am feeling weak, I know I can turn to him and trust that the advice he gives, or the things that the spirit is prompting him to say or do will always be for my best interest. Isn't that just the way it is supposed to be? Sometimes he is strong for me, sometimes I am strong for him but together and with the help of our Heavenly Father, we make it.
4) Keep busy!- The scriptures tell us that idleness is of the devil. I talked about watching TV, and trust me this is my biggest weakness for escaping reality. I recognize though, that escaping into a book or into a television program, or into a game...any of those are stopping me from connecting and being a part of life. So, to combat this issue, I volunteer and serve. Christ tells us, "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37–39). Following my savior's example to love others is such a blessing to me. I find that the more I concentrate on finding ways to help those around me, the less I focus on my own short comings.
Service has come in so many forms for me. I have babysat, cooked, cleaned, and listened. Normally service for me is not in the form of community service such as helping at school or volunteering at the library, instead service is best for me when it is personal. The spirit strongly directs me to those in need of a personal touch. Truly, my most endearing friendships have come about because of a prompting to serve. Isn't it so amazing that the Lord sees fit to bless me as I have blessed other's lives.
5) Exercise- Oh how I would love to say that this isn't key to my mental happiness! I am not in any way shape or form a natural athlete. When I was little my parents signed up my sister and I for soccer. What ended up happening was two little girls, holding hands, running the opposite way of the ball, scared that we would get hit or hurt in some way. :D
I never played team sports, and I never ran due to asthma. So, I pretty much thought exercise was of the devil. Okay, not that bad...but close. So, as an adult I was advised that a great way to battle mental health struggles was to exercise. Of course battling weight issues was another reason to finally start exercising and so I decided to give it a try. I don't love exercising. It is torture for me. I am learning though (again, insert "the hard way") that it is crucial to my mental stability. It doesn't take away the feelings of failure, but it does give me a sense that I can do hard things and lifts me to a happier place. I have noticed that it takes time for the endorphins to kick in. As with most things in life, exercise isn't an instant gratification thing for me, it is a persevere even when I want to curl in a ball and hide kind of thing.
These 5 things I have listed are hard. Battling mental health means that my brain is telling me I'm not capable of being successful, doing scripture study and prayers won't help, and exercise and service are way out of my comfort zone. Maybe I have grown up enough to finally understand these truths, or maybe I should have have figured this out a long time ago, regardless of that, I am at a point in my life where I finally realize that I have a choice. I don't have to give in to the voices. I can battle them. There are many with struggles much more severe than mine, and in many cases medication is necessary. Truthfully? I think there will be a time in my life where medication will be necessary. I am grateful for modern day advances that give us medical help and I have gratefully accepted medication for help when I was pregnant with my youngest. Medication has very severe side effects for me though; it causes me to be extremely drowsy. Honestly, drowsiness isn't conducive to being a mommy taxi, or a mommy tutor, or a mommy chef. So, for now I can fight the fight without medication but medication isn't a sign of weakness. In my book, admitting we need help and getting the help we need is a sign of strength.
Let me repeat that...
Strong people admit when they need help!
I am willing to be open about my struggles because it gives me strength when I help others, and it gives others strength when they help me. Just a disclaimer though, I'm not posting this as a fishing expedition for compliments. These thoughts of mine just scratch the surface of a very long life of struggles, and I'm not expecting anyone to solve these problems of mine. I just hope that someone will read my thoughts and gain comfort in knowing you are not alone. The ultimate comforter will help you and inspire you to know what form that comfort will come for you. The biggest advice I can give is to speak up. Be vocal. Satan's biggest tool he uses to keep us down is seclusion and secrets. Find people to talk to and trust in to help you through.
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