The same week that my husband is called as a new bishop is the same week I come down with a pretty big cold. I have tried for days to pretend I am not sick and keep enjoying the last few days of my time with my husband before he goes back to work (see this post) but last night it caught up with me. Then, this morning, I woke from a not so fun dream. In retrospect it was a really stupid dream (as dreams most often are). But it set the stage for...
***Disclaimer, this was just a dream!!!***
Our family was on vacation and had been camping with my siblings and their families. (For those of you who don't know me, that is a major feat. I have 8 siblings and there are 42 grandkids and 3 great grandkids last I counted. Wild pandemonium might be an accurate word to describe our gatherings) Back to the dream...it was the day we needed to leave and fly home. I was running around like a mad woman getting everything cleaned up and ready for the trip. In the mean time, my husband, children, and siblings were MIA. I was getting more frustrated as the moments went on and when I finally found them one of my sisters mentioned she needed a blessing from my husband and this was the reason for their absence (like it was so no big deal). I got snippy with Mark and told him how aggravated I was that as he had been taking it easy I was needing help and all I got from him was a lack of care. He blew me off and I stormed off crying. End of dream.
Back to reality.
I woke up from this dream feeling the emotions I had experienced during slumber. Already sick and starting to feel really run down, the emotions from the dream didn't help my mood. Let's be real here, I know why I am dreaming this particular dream, it has to do with my anxiousness over Mark's new calling.
I share everything. You need something, I am the first person to jump at the chance to help. It really doesn't even matter what it is or how much money it might have cost; I have been blessed, and show my gratitude by sharing what I have been blessed with. My time though, is something different. I get possessive of my time, especially when it comes to time with my husband. I hate it when he travels and we can't be together, and I am not a fan of girl's night out...why? Because I can't be with my husband! Some might call it obsessive, but Mark and I both are this way so, instead we call it healthy marital bonds. :D
As I reflect on the many friends I have had whose husbands were in the bishopric or who were Bishops, I realize that the biggest sacrifice the Lord is asking me to make with this new calling is a sacrifice of my time with him. And now he will be ministering to others, and less attentive to me. I worry about this and find myself apprehensive at the big time commitment that is coming. I know the Lord can and will make up the difference, however it doesn't lessen the anxiety of what is to come. This for me is a time of growth, a time of being stretched in a whole new way. I have to have faith in the Lord's plan, in a way that I never considered before.
Anyway, I come downstairs feeling that previously mentioned irritability, and my husband is having an incredibly spiritual morning. He was such a good husband and let me sleep in. That already puts him in husband of the week status. Then, after he sent off the kids to school, he read his scriptures, pondered on the needs of the new ward, wrote down a lot of inspiration that was coming to him, listened to conference talks, and exuded spiritual euphoria.
I sat down at the table and he started to muse about the beautiful people that he will get to work with. He would tear up and I felt nothing. He read a verse from the scriptures to me, he teared up, and again I felt nothing. He was in the zone, I was zoning. Reflecting back it was a little comical really but in the moment I just wondered what in the world was wrong with me that I couldn't feel that beautiful spirit that he was exuding.
It was me. It was all me.
The day got better from there, I promise. I read my scriptures and prayed for divine help :o). Thank goodness the Lord is there for all of us and not just the leaders right?
They say that blessing are poured out on Bishops and their families because of the huge commitment the Lord requires of them. I am going to call them BB's (bishop's blessings) and will start looking for the BB's or more importantly, the Lord's hand in my life every day in an effort to concentrate on the positive instead of the negative.
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