Grief. It's an interesting word and is an applicable term and powerful and debilitating emotion we experience in so many different trials we have in this life. For my husband and I we are grieving and that grief centers on what could have been.
In December or 2008 Mark had a terrible chest cold that I was sure had developed into pneumonia which happened so often for him. After much insistence on my part, Mark finally went into the doctor to get his lungs checked and due to the severity of his cough and the length of time he had been struggling with it, they did a chest x-ray to make sure that his bronchial infection hadn't turned into pneumonia.
When they took the x-ray they did not find pneumonia, however they found a mass in his lung that we now affectionately call Hank the Hilar mass. Hank, was 3.1 cm large and upon detection and inspection the doctor immediately diagnosed the growth as lung cancer and sent us up to Huntsman Cancer Institute for further testing. Long story short, ultimately they told us it wasn't cancer, and told us to come back in 6 months to check and see if it was growing. Six months later it still wasn't growing so they gave Mark a clean bill of health and sent us on our way. We sighed a huge sigh of relief and went about our lives for the last 5 years.
Well, 5 years later we have had a similar chain of events. In June Mark got really sick and ended up with a case of Bronchitis coupled with a sinus infection. Mark went to the doctor and was prescribed antibiotics but when we left for our family vacation in Utah Mark's cough symptoms hadn't subsided so I encouraged him to see his doctor. Of course as any wife would attest to, that took about a week of him being miserable and me "gently" prodding and then one day asking him, "how much longer do you want to be miserable?". You know how the routine goes and it is not any different here. Well the doctor ordered an x-ray to rule out pneumonia and just like the first time it came back negative. However, the technician noticed the growth in his lung and compared it to the x-ray from 5 years ago. The results? His mass has grown and is almost double in size. The doctor told Mark to go home and get a hold of a Pulmonologist and a Thoracic surgeon immediately.
The next couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotion. The Pulmonologist appointment was two weeks after we got home from Utah and was by far the most torture, only because it took us 5 hours of waiting to get through his office!!! The doctor didn't have any answers initially, but ordered a CAT scan to get a more complete base line of the mass. Of course, what we really know is that the CAT scan isn't good for anything, but the insurance company wouldn't pay out for further testing until we jumped through their hoops. So, a week later the CAT scan was completed. At that point a cancer specialist was called, a surgeon was called and a PET scan was ordered. The CAT scan solidified what we already knew and that is that the mass had grown from approximately 3 cm to 5.1 cm. This put the growth into the category of "concern". Basically, anything that isn't metabolically active and is 3 cm and below isn't concerning. Anything above 3cm becomes concerning.
The PET scan, for anyone that doesn't know, is a scan that tells how metabolically active things are in your body. For instance, your heart will show much activity. Your muscles when moving would be active. Cancer is metabolically active. The PET scan came back (in their words) not active, and not inactive. At this point we were assigned a nurse to schedule our appointments and keep us up to date on daily changes. As soon as the scheduling nurse we had an appointment for a surgeon, and the cancer specialist scheduled for the next week and then on Friday Aug. 15 we were called to verify the biopsy that was scheduled for the next Monday. The biopsy that we didn't even know about had been discussed and scheduled! It felt like this looming bad news was officially out of our control and we were just along for the ride. By the 20th all tests were done, doctors appointments were over, we had a diagnosis of a carcinoid tumor and Mark's case was going before a cancer board of doctors to make recommendations on what everyone thought the best course of action was for Mark's lung.
Luckily for us we didn't have to wait days to know the decision from the cancer board. The specialist called us that afternoon to let us know that they had decided that surgery to remove the mass was the best option. Best case scenario he would be able to keep the lowest lobe of his right lung and worst case scenario he would lose the whole right lung. We were stunned. It was crazy to think that a relatively healthy young man was going to undergo surgery that would alter his life forever. No more cycling, no more exercise, no more mowing the lawn, no more playing and rough housing. This was a major change that the specialists had just suggested.
Life has been paused in some surreal moment since then. Surgery was scheduled for the 27th of Aug., a week after the cancer board's decision. We called our oldest daughter right away and asked her to fly out and help us with the kids while Mark was in the hospital. Because of a generous gift of sky miles from a close friend of ours, she was able to come and even came early. We have had a chance to play with the grandkids, take them to the beach, and enjoy a few beautiful moments together before Mark undergoes surgery. Tomorrow is the big day. We have shed many tears and have had multiple priesthood blessings. The Lord has promised us that all will be well. Of course all is well can mean something different in the Lord's eyes than it does for us, but we have to cling to the promises that He has given us. How ever that change looks like, all will be well.
In December or 2008 Mark had a terrible chest cold that I was sure had developed into pneumonia which happened so often for him. After much insistence on my part, Mark finally went into the doctor to get his lungs checked and due to the severity of his cough and the length of time he had been struggling with it, they did a chest x-ray to make sure that his bronchial infection hadn't turned into pneumonia.
When they took the x-ray they did not find pneumonia, however they found a mass in his lung that we now affectionately call Hank the Hilar mass. Hank, was 3.1 cm large and upon detection and inspection the doctor immediately diagnosed the growth as lung cancer and sent us up to Huntsman Cancer Institute for further testing. Long story short, ultimately they told us it wasn't cancer, and told us to come back in 6 months to check and see if it was growing. Six months later it still wasn't growing so they gave Mark a clean bill of health and sent us on our way. We sighed a huge sigh of relief and went about our lives for the last 5 years.
Well, 5 years later we have had a similar chain of events. In June Mark got really sick and ended up with a case of Bronchitis coupled with a sinus infection. Mark went to the doctor and was prescribed antibiotics but when we left for our family vacation in Utah Mark's cough symptoms hadn't subsided so I encouraged him to see his doctor. Of course as any wife would attest to, that took about a week of him being miserable and me "gently" prodding and then one day asking him, "how much longer do you want to be miserable?". You know how the routine goes and it is not any different here. Well the doctor ordered an x-ray to rule out pneumonia and just like the first time it came back negative. However, the technician noticed the growth in his lung and compared it to the x-ray from 5 years ago. The results? His mass has grown and is almost double in size. The doctor told Mark to go home and get a hold of a Pulmonologist and a Thoracic surgeon immediately.
The next couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotion. The Pulmonologist appointment was two weeks after we got home from Utah and was by far the most torture, only because it took us 5 hours of waiting to get through his office!!! The doctor didn't have any answers initially, but ordered a CAT scan to get a more complete base line of the mass. Of course, what we really know is that the CAT scan isn't good for anything, but the insurance company wouldn't pay out for further testing until we jumped through their hoops. So, a week later the CAT scan was completed. At that point a cancer specialist was called, a surgeon was called and a PET scan was ordered. The CAT scan solidified what we already knew and that is that the mass had grown from approximately 3 cm to 5.1 cm. This put the growth into the category of "concern". Basically, anything that isn't metabolically active and is 3 cm and below isn't concerning. Anything above 3cm becomes concerning.
The PET scan, for anyone that doesn't know, is a scan that tells how metabolically active things are in your body. For instance, your heart will show much activity. Your muscles when moving would be active. Cancer is metabolically active. The PET scan came back (in their words) not active, and not inactive. At this point we were assigned a nurse to schedule our appointments and keep us up to date on daily changes. As soon as the scheduling nurse we had an appointment for a surgeon, and the cancer specialist scheduled for the next week and then on Friday Aug. 15 we were called to verify the biopsy that was scheduled for the next Monday. The biopsy that we didn't even know about had been discussed and scheduled! It felt like this looming bad news was officially out of our control and we were just along for the ride. By the 20th all tests were done, doctors appointments were over, we had a diagnosis of a carcinoid tumor and Mark's case was going before a cancer board of doctors to make recommendations on what everyone thought the best course of action was for Mark's lung.
Luckily for us we didn't have to wait days to know the decision from the cancer board. The specialist called us that afternoon to let us know that they had decided that surgery to remove the mass was the best option. Best case scenario he would be able to keep the lowest lobe of his right lung and worst case scenario he would lose the whole right lung. We were stunned. It was crazy to think that a relatively healthy young man was going to undergo surgery that would alter his life forever. No more cycling, no more exercise, no more mowing the lawn, no more playing and rough housing. This was a major change that the specialists had just suggested.
Life has been paused in some surreal moment since then. Surgery was scheduled for the 27th of Aug., a week after the cancer board's decision. We called our oldest daughter right away and asked her to fly out and help us with the kids while Mark was in the hospital. Because of a generous gift of sky miles from a close friend of ours, she was able to come and even came early. We have had a chance to play with the grandkids, take them to the beach, and enjoy a few beautiful moments together before Mark undergoes surgery. Tomorrow is the big day. We have shed many tears and have had multiple priesthood blessings. The Lord has promised us that all will be well. Of course all is well can mean something different in the Lord's eyes than it does for us, but we have to cling to the promises that He has given us. How ever that change looks like, all will be well.
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