I have been procrastinating writing this post and it has taken a lot of soul searching to figure out why.
My Grandma Roetta Merryweather passed away last Saturday April 18th 2009. I am going to miss my grandma very much she was a great woman but I am going to be very frank here and say that she was also a very stubborn, angry, meticulous, contentious, perfectionist too.
In recent years I have, upon reflection, realized that I purposely distanced myself from her. I think distance always makes death an easier thing to deal with and I have determined that I wasn't very emotional about her passing for this very reason. Why did I distance myself? I think feeling like I didn't meet expectations no matter how hard I tried to please her is at the top of that laundry list. And then I also heard so many stories about how other family members were treated by her and that only added to my hard feelings and frustration with her. I did love her though. Attending her funeral gave me pause for reflection about the things that were good about my grandma.
I learned that my grandma is the one that passed on a legacy of faith in God. As a teenager she was told by her mother to go to her youth activity. Instead of going as she was told she wandered next door to the old Tabernacle where a church meeting was being held. The speaker talked about basic truths of our religion that struck a cord in grandma's heart. From that day on she served faithfully in her callings and always encouraged her children to do the same. As we sat there listening to the talks about my grandma's life somebody pointed out that grandma now has 100 people in her posterity who have learned that same legacy of faith.
Grandma loved her family. It was indeed, other than God, what was most important to her in this life. I wondered, after the funeral was over and all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins went their separate ways, what our family will do now. Who is going to keep our extended family together? Who is going to make sure that everyone feels welcome and everyone has a place to stay? Who is going to feed everyone?
Every time we had a get together at Grandma's house everyone was welcome. It was always really tight quarters and more than one family would have to squish in a room but it was fun. It was a party. When I was young and we would meet at her house in Santa Monica It would be all four of her children plus the majority of her 25 grandchildren laying wall to wall in her house.As a parent I look back and am quite certain that it was wild pandemonium at every turn but we loved it. At least I should say that I loved it. As adults it was always more of the same. Her houses were always small but everyone was always welcome. When we went down to Cedar City for the funeral it was now divided. Each child of Grandma's had their own specific quarters and people were miffed about even sharing a shower. How tragic that we have forgotten already the importance grandma placed on sharing what she had.
She also always fed us. Now I preface this by saying that grandma had what we called the food game. We never ate until late at night and no one was allowed to snack in her kitchen while food was being prepared, and it was a source of contention for all of us. But, she always fed us. It brought her joy to cook for us. My grandma made amazing homemade chicken noodle soup with homemade noodles. Earlier on she was quite a good cook and probably because of her upbringing during the depression she was quite intent on canning. She canned and gardened every year including last year at the age of 93! I don't have a fraction of the garden that my grandma had and I am a fraction of her age. How sad is that.
Other great memories. She loved to play tennis and bought all the grandchildren tennis rackets so that we could play with her. Grandma ran a day care in her home for many many years and was very particular about cleanliness. I remember being 6 and 7 years old and still having to sit in a high chair so as to keep the floors clean when I ate my lunch or snacks. She sang songs a lot and my favorite was the "Down in the Meadow in an Itty Bitty Pool" song. She loved music and instilled a love of music in a good majority of her children and grandchildren. That legacy carries on today.
I feel ashamed with myself for not loving her unconditionally. It really isn't like me to be like that. I love everyone unconditionally except apparently my Grandma. At the funeral I asked some of my cousins if they feel like they had made amends with grandma before she passed. One of my cousins asked me the same and I said yes. Really though, I don't know if there were amends to be made. I finally realized that it wasn't about her, it was about me. I hadn't forgiven. The sin was on my shoulders. I feel much sorrow for that. I hope my grandma can forgive me for not forgiving. I hope to be able to take this new found knowledge and love her better in her passing than I did in her living. I hope when I pass that I can look her in the eyes and truly feel peace in my heart. I am sorry Grandma for not being a better grand daughter and I promise to pass on all those things that were good and true in you.
Comments
While I don't share a lot of memories of her as my grandmother, I admit I still feel some guilt when I think of the time I barked at her for lecturing 2 year old McKenna about eating her bottled fruit. It seemed like sometimes you had to get rough to get through to her - and then you never really did. So don't be so hard on yourself!
I just read a quote and, of course, I don't remember exactly what it said, but it implied that even if we're just taking baby steps, the idea is to be going in the right direction. You are a good sister, daughter, wife, mother, aunt and granddaughter!
I love your thoughts and words and pray that too might progress to complete forgiveness. I love you. Thank you.
With Sympathy & Friendship - Sheri